Fairy Godmothering: Open the doors, see all the people

And hopefully there will be a first time I get it 100% right.

Here’s the church, and here’s the steeple

Open the door and see all the people.

Here’s the parson going upstairs, And here he is saying his prayers.

Oh, THERE’S the church, and THERE’S the steeple! Now, if only there were a way to easily keep track of all the books, and missals and gestures and responses…

In this edition of Fairy Godmothering I’d like to briefly vent about the difficulty I’m having navigating the many traditions of a Catholic Mass.

First of all, there’s like 7 BOOKS TO FOLLOW (really only 2), and a response card and then a print-out. Where do I start? I have to get there early to find the right pages to be on, and then just when I think I’m ahead of the game – BAM BAH-BAM – they start singing some other song I can’t find. So, throw to me scrambling, flipping pages wildly, mumbling out-of-tune alleluias to myself…

Then there’s the knees, stand, sit action. For the most part, I have an idea of when it stand BECAUSE THE PREIST TELLS ME. But, when do I kneel? Do I wait until the woman in front of me does? Oh shoot, she was just going to grab a sermon book. Oh wait, now that guy is kneeling, this must be it. Wait, no he was just picking up the bottle his baby dropped. Now? Oh, NOW! Sigh.

All I’m sayin’s is that I really need a crash course in the timing and motions of a Sunday morning mass. At this point, my favorite part is when I get to say “peace” to the people around me. That feels petty fresh.

John’s baptism is tomorrow. Here’s hoping I don’t screw THAT up. This is the big show now. Need to bring my A-game.

Diary of a Fairy Godmother

I got into a relationship at a really young age*. Like, really young. My mom was kind of okay with it because I think she felt pressured to be.

Anyway, the guy** was nice enough, but I didn’t really understand where he was coming from. Plus, his friends had strange names and were pretty big downers almost all of the time. As a young girl, I just wanted to play outside and have fun – tell jokes, laugh. This dude though, he was more into reading. Reading and reciting and singing.

So, when we moved from Florida to California when I was 10 years old I broke it off.

But, this year my older sister and my brother-in-law asked me to be the godmother to my new nephew, John B. G.

And so now I find myself revisiting the old flame, God.*** God and the Catholic church. If I’m going to be this child’s fairy godmother then it’s going to be legit.

My first day back was a couple of weeks ago, and I have to say that things have really changed. The doom and gloom, the angry God that I once dated has been replaced by a very accepting and warm type of God. You should have seen my face when Priest Bernie said to the congregation that it doesn’t even matter which organized religion you choose as long as you live your life according to the rules – basically be a good person and you’re set. Like whoa.

While church was definitely more accepting than I remember it being, I highly doubt that they would be okay with the thoughts I was having. For instance, during communion my mind couldn’t help but wander and I found myself thinking of a show idea.

Christ’s Kitchen. Contestants have 30 minutes to make a three-course meal out of the body of Chri…I’M FUCKING AWFUL. IM GOING TO BE A TERRIBLE CATHOLIC.

Sigh, I’ll start over again next Sunday.

 

*I’m talking about God here.

**Still God, not some perv old man.

***See, this is the big reveal. It’s been GOD THE WHOLE TIME!